Top 5 Ugly Bitch Makeup Tips
by Opera Pussy, a cartoon from the FigWiggy universe.
Opera Pussy is the classiest cunt to ever sing a tune. She is a perfect woman and her haters are jealous. She is an expert on beauty and fashion.
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You’re a woman of class and style. You’ve got your work life in order, your home life in order, but there’s just one problem– someone (or maybe many someones) find you too. damn. attractive. It’s interrupting your daily life! Their stares and persistent advances are distracting you from your badass goals. If only you could turn down the dial on all that attention, while still managing to look like a respectable person. I’m going to help you do just that.
With the following tips, I’m going to help you become subtly unattractive, and squash those suitors before they get to “hello”.
TOP 5 UGLY BITCH MAKEUP TIPS:
Everyone is up on eyebrows lately. “Brows on fleek” is a trend sweeping the nation, and captivating women everywhere. We want to take this trend just a LITTLE too far. Start by purchasing an eyebrow pencil at least two shades darker than your natural brows. Then, simply fill in your brows as they are. Use your judgement whether or not to overdraw your brow line. Let him think you’ve got way too much testosterone coursing through your veins, and perhaps an oversized clit. Your brows should leave him imagining your pubes as an impenetrable thicket of tangly, dark tresses.
Warning: do NOT give yourself a unibrow if you do not already have one, tempting as it may be. This will look obviously fake, and may make him think you are making a bizarre and carefree joke, turning him on even more.
In this step, our effort is to make you look as though you just escaped a plague-ridden country, or like the morning burrito is about to make a re-appearance. For this step, you will need to find for yourself concealer sticks in shades of green. Green concealer sticks are common as a color-correcting base, intended to be covered yet again by more natural tones. We will not be doing this.
Apply this green concealer into the hollows of your cheeks– below your cheek bones, and above your lip line. You may also apply in the hollow of your chin, and on the sides of the forehead above the temples. Using a blending sponge and a natural skin tone, simply blend these areas until it looks basically natural. I promise his boner will deflate like a days-old birthday balloon when he suspects you may carry ebola.
When men scan the sea of humans around them looking for a potential mate, they mostly seek the same features, triggered by biology. In general, they are looking for a fit female who looks suitable for breeding. Our reproductive years are our youthful ones, so what could be better than making ourselves look as though we’ve aged 10 years overnight?
For this step, I need you to find a concealer (or even a matte eyeshadow) which is several shades darker than your skin tone. Then, apply it underneath your eyes. Follow the line where your eyes puff from a lack of sleep. Apply this darker shade, and blend with a foundation of your natural skin tone if necessary. If you do this properly, you should instantly look like an aging, hollowed-out shell of your former self, and his balls will seek a seed-hole elsewhere.
Did you know that Americans are more scared of clowns than they are of climate change? Clowns are freaking creepy. No creature should walk around with a pasted-on emotion, it just looks sinister. This is what we are going to target. This trick is very simple, and for it you will need a bright red lipstick with either a matching liner, or a brush to apply.
When you line your lips, just slightly overdraw your natural line. This will give your lips an engorged and puffy appearance. Then, when you get to the corners of your lips, extend the line as though your are putting a wing in your eyeliner– ever so slightly. The goal is to give yourself a very, very slight pasted-on smile which will creep the bejeezus out of those cat-callers and ho-hollerers.
CATCH A COLD SORE
Many Americans are afflicted with Herpes Simplex 1– the kind that usually appears on the mouth. But its prevalence does not change the fact that it’s hard to look like a stone-cold hottie with an oozing sore on your lip. This makes my final tip the PERFECT socially acceptable way to make you less attractive. We’re getting into top-level stuff, here. Special effects makeup artists are paid big bucks to make the gushing wounds and pussing sores you’ll find in horror movies.
HERE’S OUR QUICK-AND-DIRTY WAY TO ACHIEVE THE EFFECT.
First, mix up a shade of reddish-pink. You can do this by dabbing foundation on your hand, and slowly mixing in a red lipstick until you have the desired result. Apply this color to your upper lip, RIGHT on the lip line. Let it extend about the width of a pencil eraser. Blend out from the red spot, but only a tiny bit.
Now, here’s the kicker. Get yourself a white concealer stick, and a light eyeshadow with some shimmer to it. We are going to put a white, blistering spot right in the middle of that red blotch. This should be truly tiny– about the diameter of the middle of a toothpick. You may even want to apply the white concealer with a toothpick. Dab this color in the middle until there is a distinct white bullseye right in the middle of your red splotch.
Finish off your makeshift cold sore by applying the light, shimmering eyeshadow only on the upper side of your white bullseye. This will add to the illusion that your fake sore is full to bursting with pus, ready to erupt at the slightest hint of a kiss.
Those are our top tips, ladies! Use these one at a time, or in combination with each other if you’re feeling really bold. Soon, those pestering men will avoid your gaze the second you enter the room.
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Written by Max Mooseman and Mr. Computer. A Disney vacation turns foul when a man is seduced by a lovely woman with terrible, terrible plans.