Music Biz Tip: Everyone Sucks When They Start
by Annie Oddly, a cartoon from the FigWiggy universe.
Annie Oddly is a sexy songstress who will steal your heart. She is the best source of music business knowledge the world has ever known. If you are afraid of success you should avoid her advice.
You’re getting your start in the music biz, but you’re worried because you aren’t the best yet. Getting good takes time. It’s hard to get Bruno Mars recognition when you’re lost among the other hopefuls on Pluto. But you know what? That’s okay! You don’t have to be the best to succeed. I’m going to talk today about the benefits of sucking. Until musical success arrives, you can always have “Suck-cess” with this tried and true music biz technique.
WHEN YOU START OUT: SUCK!
Get on your knees, be humble, and eagerly accept into your mouth the cocks of people with influence. Sucking is the key secret behind nearly every musical success you’ve ever seen. They’d never admit it, but come on– have you ever seen a true pop sensation who didn’t have fabulous blowjob lips?
Suck, but you can’t just suck anyone. Knowing who to suck is half the battle, and I’m here to help!
WHO NOT TO SUCK:
- A Cool DJ at a bar. He only appears successful because you’re drunk. Check in with reality– he is performing at a bar you can actually afford. This guy looks sexy but he is a basement-dweller with no influence. Stay away!
- Anyone offering non-specific “promotion.” What he really means is that he’ll tell all his friends how he got a cute young songwriter on her knees before sending her out with cum in her hair. You can do better than that.
It’s worth noting that, especially when you’re starting out, you can’t always get access to the most powerful junk to suck off. You can’t always get your best first option, so sometimes you have to suck your way up.
The best rule of thumb here is to, above all, seek influence. The portly little troll-man making eyes at you might not be a producer himself, but maybe he’s chomping at the bit to introduce you to one. There is a ladder to success, made entirely of cocks. Climb it, you eager young artist.
WHO TO SUCK:
- People who can introduce you to huge influencers. The key here is to make sure they follow-through. Strongly imply that you’re going to fuck them if they can help make your dreams come true by introducing you to their powerful friends. But whatever you do, keep it strictly to blowjobs until they do. After that, it’s your call whether to follow through.
- THE MOTHERLOAD: This is an example of the IDEAL person to suck if you want to make it big. Look for someone who has sign-off power to give you a well-paid contract. This person should be married, and have a spouse who will DEFINITELY care about them joyously cumming all over your young, attractive face.
If you score the motherload, you’ve made it. Your power to manipulate the situation is immense. During the act, try to stash your phone somewhere to capture a little video evidence. You want that sweet little moment of passion to hang as a life-destroying threat over Big-Producer’s marriage.
THAT’S ALL FOR NOW! IF YOU FOLLOW MY SUGGESTIONS FOR “SUCK-CESS” YOU’LL HAVE A RECORD DEAL IN NO TIME.
NOW GET OUT THERE AND START SUCKING!
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