How to Tell if Your Dog is a Nazi
by Guenever, a cartoon from the FigWiggy universe.
Guenever is too woke for some people to handle, and has been reported to have radical views that may be especially harmful to male humans. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD YOU CUT OFF YOUR PENIS BECAUSE A CARTOON GUILTS YOU INTO IT.
WHAT TO DO IF YOU OWN A NAZI DOG?
The scourge of Nazism can be found lurking in the most unexpected and inconspicuous of places. In fact, it is the dark plot of Nazis everywhere to brainwash the innocent, and grow their own ranks. Recent evidence shows that they have begun to target one of the internet’s most beloved creatures: dogs.
Here is how to tell if your own dog has been afflicted, and what to do.
(disclaimer: for the ease of writing this article, I will refer to all dogs using female pronouns. But please, do not misgender your dog. He/her/zer may be cis, trans, or asexual. Don’t assume. I will tackle the issue of how to ask your dog about its gender in a future article.)
TEST 1: THE TRUMP EFFECT
While averting your eyes and wearing ear protection, place your dog in front of your TV and queue up a Donald Trump speech. Watch your dog closely. If she cowers and whines, she is not a Nazi. If she acts happy and normal, there is a good chance your dog is a Nazi.
TEST 2: TEARJERKER
Lay a blanket on the floor with a little pillow. Call your dog to your side and ask the sweet creature to lay down. Then, read to your dog The Diary of Anne Frank. If your dog is a normal, wholesome puppy, she will stay by your side, paying rapt attention. She may even begin to whine as the scourge of Nazism impacts poor Anne more and more. But, if she walks away at any point before page 40, she is probably a Nazi.
TEST 3: NAZI FOOTFALLS
This test may shake you to your core, but it must be done. Steel yourself for the trauma you are about to endure, and begin goose-stepping around your dwelling. Occasionally “heil.”
If your dog becomes excited, following your steps, wagging her tail, and trying to play along… she is probably a Nazi.
WHAT TO DO ABOUT YOUR NAZI DOG:
If your dog passed all three tests, I want to congratulate you– your dog has managed to resist the Nazi propaganda barraging her from all sides. Give her a gluten-free cookie and, if she consents, rub her belly.
If your dog failed only one test, I am sorry to say it, but you must punch your dog in the face. Just to be safe. Nazis only communicate in the language of violence, and through violence, you may attempt to heal your poor, brainwashed dog.
If your dog failed all three tests, your action must be swift and decisive. Your dog is for sure a Nazi, and an incurable one at that. Your dog has become an extension of the propaganda arm of the fascists. A Nazi mind has earned a Nazi’s punishment– euthanize your dog and put it directly into your oven. She would do it to you without a second thought.
NOW YOU KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH THE NAZI ANIMALS IN YOUR HOME. NOW GET OUT THERE AND KEEP FIGHTING THE NAZI ANIMALS ON THE STREET!
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