Empower Your Children: Tell Them They Are Retarded
by The Sloppy Drunken Donkey Witch Ho, a cartoon from the FigWiggy universe.
The Sloppy Drunken Donkey Witch Ho is an unethical, immoral, abusive madame. Her “parenting advice” is known to, in fact, be child abuse. DO NOT TAKE HER PARENTING ADVICE. SEVERE INJURY OR DEATH MAY RESULT. Scroll down for her content!
EMPOWER YOUR CHILDREN
Hello mommies of the world– I’m back again with useful advice for child-rearing. I’m excited to share this one with you, as it is the single greatest way I have ever found to empower children.
The fashion these days is to tell your child they are bright stars destined for greatness. Parents and teachers espouse the idea that any child can accomplish what they set out to do. Based on this input, a child’s mind is soon filled with the loftiest of goals and expectations. They are released into the world with a firm belief in themselves and the great things they will achieve through that belief. But they will not achieve these lofty goals.
Cynicism, you say? The aged grumps of a woman who failed? No, my friends. Simple truth falling on sensitive ears.
YOU DON’T GET MOST OF WHAT YOU WANT IN LIFE.
Our desires are only as limited as our imaginations and our imaginations are vast. We are capable of wanting anything, and it is impossible that most of us will get most of the things we ever wanted. It isn’t a tragedy– it is truth. You don’t get most of what you want in life. Even the wealthiest and most privileged of people who have ever lived still wanted for things they didn’t have. No one is special in this respect.
It is no tragedy that a child does not become a wizard. It is no tragedy that a child does not morph into a time-traveling robot. Even in the world of non-magical expectations, is no tragedy when a child doesn’t grow up to be an astronaut slash business mogul. There is nothing to fret over when a child doesn’t become a world-famous celebrity. There is nothing to fear because there is nothing unexpected in those results.
That is, if we weren’t filling young children’s heads with fantasies and telling them to expect their dreams to come true.
WHY TO CONVINCE CHILDREN THEY ARE RETARDED
By now, I’ve surely convinced you away from setting your children up for disappointment by assuring them that they can achieve incredibly unrealistic goals. But why convince children they are retarded?
The reason is simple. We cheer for retards, simply for focusing on the basics. Things like being able to dress yourself, keep your house clean, and cook a meal– when a retard successfully performs those tasks, we are ecstatic. But too many children walk around the idea that they are too good for such basic labor.
I have had the pleasure of knowing several retards in my life– retards of many varieties and afflictions. All of them were capable of taking care of themselves better than I was, at that time. I wasn’t always the strong, capable woman and mommy you know now!
One of them was about 2 ½ feet tall, could only move his right index finger, and breathed through a tube. That little man was a lawyer with his own firm. Do you think anyone told that guy to expect that out of life? Do you think they told him he was destined to do great things? Or do you think they were really proud as he learned the basics, and then were amazed when he excelled?
FOCUSING ON THE BASICS
The basics are the foundation of a great life, and you don’t practice them if you think you are too smart to bother with the basics. As I see it, the basics are things like learning to manage your money, learning to pay bills on time, feeding yourself, and working jobs you can sustain while being pretty happy most of the time.
I am proud to say that I am the mother of at least 83 children, and of the percentage that are still alive, not a single one over 18 still lives at home. None of my adult children depends on me for anything. They are employed adults, and a few of them have gone on to do great things.
My role as a mommy is to teach my children the basics that they need to become a functional adult. There is no need to shoot for the stars.
Make sure your children know that they are retarded. Shoot for the basics.
Blog Posts by Dirty Folk:
Harper and Max release a Bonus Episode into the public feed. Max asks: can you defend the idea that smoking crack is a great decision?
Harper and Max release a favorite Bonus Episode into the public feed! Max asks: a cartoon character from your childhood is secretly guilty of rape. Who did the dirty deed?
Harper sent Max a video of a woman shitting a double-ended dildo into another woman’s gaping asshole. Why would she do something that?