The Ho Guide to Job Interviews
by Captain Save-A-Ho, a cartoon from the FigWiggy universe.
We refuse to issue a Captain Save-A-Ho warning. We refuse despite the fact that he has been accused of contributing to stereotypes about women of the night. He has even been accused of being a pimp. Ridiculous lies! Captain Save-A-Ho is a noble hero. Hos don’t deserve this hero, but they need him. SCROLL DOWN FOR CAPTAIN SAVE-A-HO CONTENT
A GUIDE TO JOB INTERVIEWS FOR PAST AND PRESENT STRIPPERS AND HOS:
So you’ve nailed a big job interview as a receptionist at a hair salon. That’s great news!
Your knees hurt, your hands are as calloused as an 1800s blacksmith’s, and you’re just plain tired of the bouncer grabbing your ass on the way into the club. There’s glitter in literally every pair of underwear you own, and you’re looking to lead a more grown-up, put-together lifestyle. This is perfect timing!
Let’s go out and get that job, noble ho!
STEP 1: STAY IN TONIGHT
I know you may feel like celebrating already, but let’s not jump the gun! There’s a lot you can do right now to up your chances of getting that job tomorrow.
Go to bed early so you can wake up fresh. After all, you want to look your best! Spend tonight researching the company and the people you may be working for– this will wow them, and show them you care!
STEP 2: WAKE UP, AND PUT YOUR BEST SELF TOGETHER
So, turns out you stayed up until 4am doing copious amounts of cocaine. Now, that wasn’t my advice, but everyone makes mistakes. It’s alright, there’s still time!
Now it’s time to get fresh. Take a cold shower and make some coffee. Iron that cute little suit you bought for this occasion. You may look a mess right now, but what better time than this to practice your makeup game? You can still give the illusion that you’re coming in fresh, and you can still kick this interview right in the butt.
STEP 3: THINK GOOD THOUGHTS ON YOUR WAY TO THE INTERVIEW
So, you did more cocaine. I would not have recommended that, but in your situation I guess it could be a good thing. At least you are more awake!
I feel like I should tell you that you’re still wearing the same makeup you had on last night, and it looks as though you’ve been crying. But the good thing is, you’re a resourceful ho! Find yourself a moist towelette and use the mirror in your car to clean up!
Now, simply fill your mind with positive thinking while you make your way to the salon. And whatever you do, once you get there, you mustn’t let them know how high you are.
STEP 4: TIME TO “WOW” THAT MANAGER!
… Alright. So you led in with “I’m sorry, I’m so fucking high right now.” That wasn’t your most professional move, Miss Ho. That really wasn’t good.
This might be a tough one to save, but we’ll try! Just try to play it off as an off-color joke, and keep your head on straight through the rest of the interview. Maybe they’ll be laughing right along with you. People make nervous mistakes all the time, and everyone has an “I said THAT in an interview?!” story.
STEP 5: STAY POSITIVE
So, you definitely didn’t get the job. They were very eager to tell you that. But there’s good news– you still have several years of youthful beauty left which you can use to strip, and explore other options!
And, look at you, clever girl– those lollipops on the counter that you’ve been eyeing since you got there? You managed to take THREE. Well done! Cherish every success.
That’s it for “A Ho Guide to Job Interviews.” Don’t hesitate to reach out if you are a ho in need who has any questions!
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