How to Cultivate Depression
by Shmilk, a cartoon from the FigWiggy universe.
Shmilk is a horrible creature bent on making the world a more miserable place to live. He is poisonous to happiness. He subsists on Skittles and cum. He openly mocks serious mental disorders and may trigger seizures. We do not recommend reading or watching his content. DO NOT TAKE HIS ADVICE UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. Scroll down for more!
CULTIVATING DEPRESSION TO FREE YOUR INNER ASSHOLE
We all know that having clinical depression is a free pass to behave like a total dick, and to expect others to bow to your whims. The clinically depressed are some of the neediest people in the world who give the least, yet people are compelled to care about them because they have a disease.
If you’re anything like me, you’re probably wondering– How can I catch this disease? How can I become clinically depressed?
Fear not, future party-poopers of the world. I’m here to help you.
WHAT IS DEPRESSION?
Depression is an inscrutable disease made up of a whole lot of symptoms that sound a whole lot like being alive. A loss of interest in activities? That’s called the slow passage of time. Hopelessness and despondency? That’s simply a recognition of your inevitable march towards death.
Furthermore, many listed symptoms directly contradict each other. Eating too much or eating too little could be a sign of depression. Sleeping too much or sleeping too little could be a sign of depression.
What I’m getting at here is that nobody knows what the fuck depression is. All you have to do is cultivate a few simple habits, and no one will ever doubt your disease.
And if they do, they will be instantly shunned by the tender-hearted advocates of the world.
1. ISOLATE AND ALIENATE
The first step to cultivating depression is to isolate yourself from human and animal contact as much as possible, and when friends or family come to call, push them away as soon as possible. This will leave you with plenty of time with your own thoughts to think about how you suck and why you have no friends.
2. DO THINGS THAT MAKE YOU FEEL BAD
Shun joy at every opportunity. Do you like to watch cute little dogs on YouTube? Stop. Start reading news stories about horrific tragedies. Read novels like “The Lovely Bones.” Really wallow in the most terrible aspects of life and humanity.
3. NEVER EXERCISE
Exercise is known to release feel-good endorphins and boost feelings of self-esteem. This is why you must stop immediately. You should think about how you should be going to the gym, and that you’d be a better and more attractive person if you did. But you won’t. Your imbalanced brain can’t handle it.
4. EAT A HORRIBLE, DISGUSTING DIET
Do you like kale? Throw it away. Any whole, nutritious foods that exist in your home need to be pitched immediately. Replace your food stores with the most processed and terrible foods you can. I’m talking Doritos and pizza rolls. Fast food every day. Eat like a glutton on death row, and let the garbage from your exploits pile up around you, reminding you what a dirty and fat fuck you are.
5. EMBRACE DARKNESS
The vitamin D we get from sunshine is vital to happiness and a healthy mind. You must remove sunshine from your life. Spend as much time as you can manage inside with the curtains drawn. Wallow in your cave of shame. When you must walk into the sunshine, I encourage you to squint your eyes and grimace as if the sun is literally hurting you.
6. THINK EVIL THOUGHTS
It’s time for all bubbly and positive thinking to die. It’s time to poison your mindset til there’s no shred of hope or happiness left.
I want you to start thinking truly horrible thoughts about yourself and all other humans that enter your mind. I am a true professional at this, so here — you are a disgusting slob unworthy of love. Your existence would be less painful if you drove nails through your testicles. Your neighbor is a shrewish bitch who deserves to be hit by a bus. That news anchor is an ugly, stupid cunt who would look better with six cocks in her mouth. The reality show host is a degenerate asshole who probably jerks off to bestiality porn. That’s just a starter– get ready to let thoughts like that run all. day. long.
Really let yourself run away with these dark thoughts. They will carry you to new heights of depression, and from your new perch, you may joyously shit upon the world below you.